That being said I would like to confess what I think about my self. Not because I want to but because the constant bringing up or the topic and pressure in my chest-every time I try to play it cool and pretend I am that girl who doesn't care-lead me to believe that I am being prompted to air my dirty laundry...uhg. this may be hard...
I feel horrible about my body. There I said it. I think about it more than I should and I hate that I care so much... but I do. I am a relativity healthy person...I exercise regularly, eat a diet free of gluten, dairy, and any form of refined sugar. I am good about veggies most of the time and I take my thyroid meds diligently. And yet I am still 50 lbs heavier than I feel is seemly. I have not been able to loose any significant amount of weight since I gave birth to Owen and I should probably give up on thinking I can. not because I am a defeatist but because it might truly not be in the cards for me.
I am constantly feeling like people are judging me and thinking I have "let my self go" I don't know how or why I cant shred the lbs, but I am actually healthier than I have ever been, I still just look like I just sit and eat the bon bons all day long. I avoid seeing people from my past because I am horribly embarrassed that I look like this now.
I want desperately to see my body as a useful tool that God has given me to use and not just to be looked at...but guess what it does get looked at...all the time by everyone I know and I feel like they all think I am not trying hard enough. "hey guys I am trying as hard as I can!!!" just in case you wondered
I want to be able to look at each of the body parts that once looked good to me and see them for there intended functions and be able to praise them for the great job they are doing... I want to say "arms you may be chubby but you are so good at holding your children! arms your are professional huggers and I am pleased with you" I want to say to my tummy "you used to be so flat and smooth,now you are round and bear the marks of carrying two babies inside you,well done you, I am proud that you have sacrificed your beauty for anothers life twice and I will bear these scars and this extra flab proudly" I want to tell my breasts that "even though you were once perky and easy to run with I love you even more now that your saggy and stretched out because you have given sustenance and comfort to my sons...you have allowed them to have the very best nutrition God has to offer a baby and I am pleased with you too". I want to tell my legs "that you are amazing even though your wide and round, you don't have to be sexy to run in your neighborhood or dance in your kitchen with your family for dance party nights...you do theses things superbly (well not the dancing we suck at that but our white girl rhythm is to blame its not your fault)and I am glad you are my legs". and to my whole body"hey gal your husband still thinks your hot and desires you above all others! Who is super excited about that? oh that's right... I AM!!" who wouldn't be.
When will I be able to remember these things on a regular basis? WHEN?! Why do I work my self up worrying about what I perceive others thoughts to be? Why can I not be satisfied with this amazing gift of a useful body that God gave me?
Pray for me that I can be,NO,that I will be. I know that I am "not skinny" for a reason that it is part of His plan for my life...I know His plans are better than mine...but it still hurts that I cant have what I want and that weight has to be an issue. I want to let go of this hurt...this longing for something I do not have and may never get because in its place I am sure I will find a treasure far greater than what I esteem physical beauty to be.
well there it is out there for all who know and love me well enough to read this blog to see... and I feel like I have completed an assignment and I guess that is a good enough reason to push "publish"
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Thank you so much for being brave enough to post about this. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. Sometimes I want to wear a shirt that says, "My stomach sticks out funny because my abs are no longer connected after my twin/huge baby pregnancies. Thank you." But instead we just ask God for wisdom and pray for guidance and perspective. Keep up the amazing work...visible results or not. Your efforts, restrictions, restraint, etc. are all worth it! I have enjoyed reading your blog!
ReplyDeletethanks Kari, Its nice to know I am not alone.
DeleteI like reading yours too.
Thank you for being brave enough to post! I fear that each of us is so focused on ourselves and our own body changes than on judging each others. We, as moms ( or simply as women for that matter!), Know so well what it's like to look in the mirror daily while watching our bodies go through it all. With each baby- I feel I watch a new me appear in the mirror more ragged than the last. I do hope that, just as you were saying, I could look at those parts of me with a pride of knowing what they've gone through. Its not an easy task! Just this weekend I went through the most awkward moment ever! I'll keep it simple and just say that there are two poor ladies out there that have seen ALL of what im most embarrassed of. Humbling! I love you Dana Gay just as you are and you ARE beautiful. I'm not just saying that because you posted this or I feel some sort of pity. I truly think you're beautiful and have some awesome curves that could make this sack of bones jealous!!
ReplyDeleteThanks sweet friend. your pretty hot yourself...bones and all. :)
DeleteYou are beautiful, inside and out, and as long as you keep doing your best to be healthy, that is what matters. Stop worrying about it - that is probably most of the problem. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog, Dana. I admire your transparency. Your honest. Humor. Candor. Your sweet heart. Especially I just love you. I am glad to be your friend. Thanks for writing (and saying) what most of us think.
ReplyDelete