Running again

So I took up Running(if you can call the pace at which I jog running)again. It is hard...not as hard as I remembered but difficult all the same. I am actually training for a real race this time...not normally my thing but I was promised breakfast with MG and some awesome friends...plus it seemed like a good motivator. I will be running the shortest length of the race the 5k...and will probably still be coming into the finish at the same time as everyone else. so that should work out great...I run S.L.O.W. and I'm cool with it.

Today I was out there doing my thing with the kids in the double stroller and I realized how much I love and hate running at the same time... It is so hard to make my tired body move and stretch in ways it feels to old and too stiff to move. Yet it feels good...really good... to get out there and feel the fresh crisp air hitting my face and filling my lungs.

I love the feeling of wanting to stop but pushing myself forward. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I finish and I ran more than I thought I could. I love knowing that running is no longer the hardest thing(physically) that my body has done. I love to be able to say "this isn't as hard as birthing was" when it gets tough(it does at some point every run)and then laughing at myself for thinking it every time.

I love that the pleasure and pain signals are somehow bond together in this process and that even when it hurts it still somehow oddly feels great. I love that even tho I am not fast and my stride is not perfect people still always smile at me and my large stroller as we run by. I love smiling and waving back...running is a friendly sport. I mostly love the release of-whatever it is-that gives me energy and steels me for my day. I hate feeling sore but love what the soreness means. I hate competition but love pushing myself. I love that running is an individual sport and that I don't have the opportunity to let any team down while I'm doing it...its just me out there...me and my dorky music and my sweet boys in the strolly.
MG says that humans were designed to run...that it is natural for us to want to do it.
I believe it. I crave it and I am happy that I have legs that work for running.

I love to run...or jog... or whatever it is you can call what I do at the funny slow pace I do it.
Thanks for welcoming me back streets...I am happy to be here.

January Picture Updates

This month seems like the longest month of the year in a lot of ways... Getting back into a routine after holiday life is always hard. I started jogging again and cut out sugar from my diet this month. I feel like making it a whole month doing these two things is going to feel monumental if this month ever ends...
Here are some fun things we did this month as well...
sorry for the poor picture quality... all of these came off my phone. that's just what I have handy while we are living life.

We played this awesome game.

Owen excavated a Dinosaur!!

We got rid of 20 some odd bags of stuff we didn't
 need or use anymore...and continue to purge as I
write.

Caught Hank making a mess with his mud biscuit  

We got back into our home schooling....
Owen named this turtle Henry.
such a sweet big bro.

.

Henry took the plunge and crawled through the tunnel! 

And...I finally learned to build LEGO's totally fun!

And finally... We are now getting our selves ready for valentines day and Henry's 1st birthday!! 

Oh yeah!! I almost forgot...
 I took up this exciting pass time...cross stitch...
Don't hate...
its cute and you love it!

Body Image... Yikes

I feel like in the last few months the topic of body image has been repeatedly broached in my realm. I live in this land of moms and we none of look the way we once did. Some simply look different no better no worse...others of us look really different (and maybe by societal standards worse) but all of us feel something about how we look. No one is just drifting in a bubble and never-ever thinks about how she is presenting herself to her husband or friends.

That being said I would like to confess what I think about my self. Not because I want to but because the constant bringing up or the topic and pressure in my chest-every time I try to play it cool and pretend I am that girl who doesn't care-lead me to believe that I am being prompted to air my dirty laundry...uhg. this may be hard...

I feel horrible about my body. There I said it. I think about it more than I should and I hate that I care so much... but I do. I am a relativity healthy person...I exercise regularly, eat a diet free of gluten, dairy, and any form of refined sugar. I am good about veggies most of the time and I take my thyroid meds diligently. And yet I am still 50 lbs heavier than I feel is seemly. I have not been able to loose any significant amount of weight since I gave birth to Owen and I should probably give up on thinking I can. not because I am a defeatist but because it might truly not be in the cards for me.

I am constantly feeling like people are judging me and thinking I have "let my self go" I don't know how or why I cant shred the lbs, but I am  actually healthier than I have ever been, I still just look like I just sit and eat  the bon bons all day long. I avoid seeing people from my past because I am horribly embarrassed that I look like this now.

I want desperately to see my body as a useful tool that God has given me to use and not just to be looked at...but guess what it does get looked at...all the time by everyone I know and I feel like they all think I am not trying hard enough. "hey guys I am trying as hard as I can!!!" just in case you wondered

I want to be able to look at each of the body parts that once looked good to me and see them for there intended functions and be able to praise them for the great job they are doing... I want to say "arms you may be chubby but you are so good at holding your children! arms your are professional huggers and I am pleased with you" I want to say to my tummy "you used to be so flat and smooth,now you are round and bear the marks of carrying two babies inside you,well done you, I am proud that you have sacrificed your beauty for anothers life twice and I will bear these scars and this extra flab proudly"  I want to tell my breasts that "even though you were once perky and easy to run with I love you even more now that your saggy and stretched out because you have given sustenance and comfort to my sons...you have allowed them to have the very best nutrition God has to offer a baby and I am pleased with you too". I want to tell my legs "that you are amazing even though your wide and round, you don't have to be sexy to run in your neighborhood or dance in your kitchen with your family for dance party nights...you do theses things superbly (well not the dancing we suck at that but our white girl rhythm is to blame its not your fault)and I am glad you are my legs". and to my whole body"hey gal your husband still thinks your hot and desires you above all others! Who is super excited about that? oh that's right... I AM!!" who wouldn't be.

When will I be able to remember these things on a regular basis? WHEN?! Why do I work my self up worrying about what I perceive others thoughts to be? Why can I not be satisfied with this amazing gift of a useful body that God gave me?

Pray for me that I can be,NO,that I will be. I know that I am "not skinny" for a reason that it is part of His plan for my life...I know His plans are better than mine...but it still hurts that I cant have what I want and that weight has to be an issue. I want to let go of this hurt...this longing for something I do not have and may never get because in its place I am sure I will find a treasure far greater than what I esteem physical beauty to be.
well there it is out there for all who know and love me well enough to read this blog to see... and I feel like I have completed an assignment and I guess that is a good enough reason to push "publish"

This is me 

A New Favorite

Candy Land!!! You are our new best friend. We play with you everyday. Sometimes we play 5 or 6 times in a row. Thanks for being easy and fun and something we can do sitting down.

Last years list update

Last year around this time I made this list.
I did pretty well at checking things off of it too...I kept a running list on the side of the blog all year and hear it is

2010 List update

• ~Live with intention
• ~Print and frame new photos of Owen and family
• ~Make a Photo book
• ~Keep a food journal
• ~Make my basement work for me!!
• ~Make my own kefir...not the same as store bought...not a fan
• ~Do an educational activity with Owen everyday
• ~Make breakfast for my family
• ~Freeze things (six whole meals, jam and salsa made up and frozen)
• ~Found a good babysitter
• ~Live without refined sugar (ok so most of the time)
• ~Run for 3 miles with out stopping to walk!
• ~Take more pictures
• ~Read three books a month(didn't quite make this one but really close)
  
• ~Frame some of Owens art
• ~Make hospitality a priority
• ~Go on at least 2 dates per month With M.G
• ~Try and report new recipes
• ~Ask God to do the impossible
• ~Post at least 2 blogs per week
• ~Buy an upright freezer
• ~Learn to make bread in the bread machine
• ~Look to the word of God and my Husband first for counsel...Hardest but most rewarding.
  

This year I am not going to make a big list...I may or may not try and finish the things I didn't do last year.. I think the biggest thing I learned from compiling and trying to complete last years list was-that most of the things that truly mattered-were centered around serving others freely and loving my family with a passion that does not yield. I do want to continue to do those things all of my life.
I will make a short list later this week...because I do love a good list and even if its just for me I feel accountable when I write it down somewhere.

Better late than never

Christmas 2010

We spent Christmas morning at my moms house with the whole clan of siblings,cousins, parents,grandparents and great grandparents. The kids did pretty well with sharing and taking turns and it was a joy to be able to spend Christmas with my lovely family and grandparents(this is the first time we have all spent Christmas together in the same house).
Not sure what Owen is doing with his face here but it was the best of the photos of him...



my sweet grams

Oh and the dogs and cats were there too...they all watched a movie after lunch together. such sweet littles.(Owen has his shirt off all the time these days...if he can swing it the shirt and as many other articles of clothes as possible are off)
Happy Holidays!!

Rat

We have a rat...its not a pet. We have a trap that we put peanut butter on every night in different ways to try and catch him...he eats it every night with out being caught...I can see why these animals were domesticated...they are smart! I want him and his potential germs out from behind my oven. Any suggestions?

Party Time

This is a semi annual event...the kiddo party for Owens birthday...we plan it every year but some years he has been too sick to have a party. This year I was a little too sick to throw him one but powered through anyway because he didn't get one last year and no party two years in a row just seemed sad to me.

We always decorate sugar cookies and everyone gets there own frosting and knifes...less germs spread this way.

Owen-and pretty much every other kid-ate lots of frosting straight from the little cups and then did a couple cookies then decided playing was a better use of there time...wonder if they will learn to like this more or less over time?? I suppose we could try a different party theme next year...one that doesn't involve hours of prep time on my behalf...this always just seems so fun and festive tho... I am sure Owen will have something to say about it at some point and we will adjust as needed.

For now he is always more than content to go along with I think is fun...I am sure that will change too. I just hope not too soon.

4 Years old

Dear Owen,
Today you turned 4! I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday and since you love to hear me tell the story...

Here it is...On the night you were born there was a huge storm. There was thunder and lightning and rain and wind. Trees fell down on power lines and people everywhere had no power.There was floods in the streets and in our basement. The wind and rain were so fierce that they shook the windows in the hospital. You arrived 4.5 weeks early and were delivered by surgery from my tummy. Right after they took you out of my tummy the power actually went out in the hospital(even the generators were out) and some one in the operating room yelled GET THE FLASH LIGHTS!! Then they said to me "don't worry everything will be fine"...and it was. You were safe and healthy and mine.

You love to here the part about the flash lights most of all and ask me to repeat that part...you love flashlights. I couldn't believe how precious and perfect you were when you were placed in my arms. I thought I would burst from joy and pride. I look at you today blowing out 4 candles on your cupcake and feel exactly the same way.I cannot even express in words how much I love being your mama.

Tonight we asked if you would like anything special for dinner...not sure what we expected you to say... you asked for cottage cheese, bananas and hummus and chips and said "that's a really special dinner" your Papa and I just laughed and said "sure why not"... you eat those foods on at least an every other day basis.

I love you kid and I am so happy God gave you to us.

Love Mama

Sick again

I had all these grand plans to write about all the fun activites from our advent project but the last week has been brutal for me. I have yet another flu/cold and this one was a duzy. I think the worst is behind me now but I feel unmotivated and like any momentum I may have had prior to illness is now lost. Being 8 months pregnant and sick is probably the worst thing ever(I may be feeling a little dramatic). So now the task of breaking my child of his new found TV habit lies ahead of me(we watched alot of opb during this last week)hopefully he will embrace the oppertunity to do fun things outside and in the kitchen instead of on the couch. Please pray that I will stay healthy for the last months of this pregnancy...and that I will find a new reserve of energy to make this holiday season warm and delightful.
Speaking of delightful...
Owen posed for this picture at the Christmas tree farm completely un-prompted by anyone.

Tree

We have a tree. And we have a small boy who honestly thought he could carry it himself... he said "just trust me mama I can do this" we let him try...then he asked for some help and all ended well.

Advent

This year I decided to do an advent activity thing. I got this advent "tag calender" from here. I have never done any kind of advent with Owen before so this year I really wanted to do some fun things together and make the true meaning of Christmas clear to him. We do a fun activity everyday(like make hot cocoa...or buy a christmas ornament..or get our tree)you get the idea. Then we read a part of the Christmas story every night...we started in Isaiah with the prophesy of Christs birth and are working through the gospels for the rest....its really neat to discuss this with my little(soon to be big)boy he has really interesting insight into things.

I have a lot more to write about but will end here for now. Hope your season is shaping up to be Merry and Bright.

Unmotivated

I just looked over my list and I see plenty of things I could be doing right now during "rest" time, but I am completely unambitious. Today has been fairly productive in that I have a tidy little house and a child who has had plenty of Momma time(we played Dr.Owen for 45 minutes and finger painted for a long time) but I still feel like a laggard. Maybe I will work on some photo editing ... or not. Maybe this feeling is my brains way of telling my body to take a break. Yes a break is in order.

Owen is singing along to his kid music... all I here is his voice. CELEBRAAAAYYYTION CELEBRAAAAYTION YEAH C-MON CELEBRAAAYYYTION (soooo wonderful). He may be tone deaf(but its probably to early to tell).

Ahh coffee.

Some times you just have to make a fresh batch in the afternoon. It has been one of those days.