Lessons learned from MG

So I have been suffering from migraines for the last 3 months. I have literally had probably 5 days where I had no headache at all and only a handful of days when the headache didn't escalate to a full blown migraine. It has been rough to say the least.

I have been less than able to preform cursory tasks in the home and I have been dealing with pain pretty much all the time. My kids have suffered and my husband has taken up a ton of the slack...he is already really busy with work and ministry so I feel bad when I have a day when I can do nothing but sleep(if only I were able to enjoy it). I feel like I am useless and a burden and I hate feeling that way.

Joy in long baby lashes

I was crying the other night as mg cared for our children and I lay helpless on the couch... a prisoner of the pain racking my brain... I told him how badly I felt that he had to do my job as well as his. He just said "why? This is the day God gave me and I am fine with it" That touched my heart so much. That my sweet mg wasn't bogged down by doing triple duty but in fact he saw it as a gift from God...a part of the good works that God has set aside for him and only him to do...an area he could use to show Gods glory. He didn't say as much but I could see it...the love of Christ shining through him... and it was lovely.

Joy in brothers playing together

Then later this weekend mg taught at church, his message was on Titus 3 and he asked us what distracts us from the the story God is telling in the world and in my life? What takes the place in our mind where insisting on Gods truths should be? He said it better than that though. Any way... I have been thinking about that a lot. And now I know that one of those things for me is migraines. They distract me. I also have been considering how God gives us what He has planned for us each day, special acts of good-or sometimes just attitudes-that reflect him...and sometimes those things come in a package that isn't so pretty(like headaches) sometimes they even cause us pain. And the way we react to them is the way we can reflect the love and(hopefully)the glory of God. I have been doing a cruddy job.

Can I be Fine with what God has planned for me? Can I sit there in the pain of a migraine and see the work of God in my life? Can my attitude be good? Can I still find a way to shine for Him? Usually I just feel sorry for myself(and very rarely)I consider the fact that there could still be joy there-I consider it then dismiss it as a funny thought-but funny it is not. I can still find joy here in this day. I can be fine with the day God has given me and I will be.

Joy in patting the bunny

I can learn here and lean on Him. I can praise Him that not every day is a Migraine day. Praise Him for I am still (even while suffering with intense headaches) receiving His grace and getting more than I deserve(which is death). Migraines are a distraction from his work in my life. When my head hurts I don't remember who I was before and who He is and what He has done in my life...all I know is pain. I don't want that to be the case any longer, I want to win! and even if I still suffer with physical pain I want to win the battle for my mind while I suffer. I want to always remember to rejoice! To insist on the truth. That He is good and He is strong and that He loves me. That He took this rebel to His cause and held me close and called me daughter...That He healed me and grew me and nurtured my heart. That He still Is and will always be the only one who can deliver me. I want to do His good works big and small in my life. Sometimes that may be just having a cheerful attitude and loving those around me and other times it may be sacrificing something I want to do what my family needs. I do not want to be distracted even in the rough spots because being inflicted can be a gift. I want to see it that way from now on...as a gift-as something God has given to me for that day-and I want to do it well for Him even when it hurts.

Joy in chocolate

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not loose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  As we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen, for the things that are unseen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal. 
Revelations 21:4 
he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,  neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, for the former things have passed away,

Rejoice

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything,but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, Brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what ever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.Philippians4:4-8  

A passion realized.

Wow...two posts in one day... not something you see here too often.

I just wanted to record an amazing experience that I had recently and how it brought me to a new realization. My good friend payed me the honor of letting me be her doula at the birth of her first born child. It was a beautiful experience. I felt like I was fulfilling a purpose I didn't  know I had. I think about that very speedy delivery everyday and thank God that He allowed me to be there and to realize my obsession with birth is really more of a passion. And that He gave it to me. This is a big deal for me.

Now I am not a doula...not a certified one but I LOVE birth. I hated birthing but I love birth. I love babies and women and the fact that our bodies are designed to bring life into the world. I love the idea (and now the practice) of helping women enjoy that experience no matter what it looks like for them. Birth should be celebrated and remembered fondly because it is the day you meet one of the most important people in your life. So weather you have an all natural birth or a c-section I think it should be remembered with satisfaction and love.

That being said...I would love to be a doula someday...a real one... who is certified. But not today. I almost signed up for a class recently... I want to be able to support women in birthing the way they choose to... and I want to do it real bad.
I also just have this   feeling   that now isn't the right timing for me. Our finances are tight and the class is spendy... Also there is just something (and I cant quite put my finger on it) that seems like this is just the wrong time...? I know that God gave me this passion so I am not doubting that I will do this...just wondering when.
It's sad when a dream is put on hold especially if you have been waiting a long time to ever even have one. It is also good to know that your dream will be realized...in God's timing There is comfort in that even if it lives  among the longing.
At another time-His time-I will jump head first into this dream. I Loved being able to help someone-in any small way I could-do birth the way they wanted. I don't know why I love birth so much...I feel like I didn't choose it I feel like it was chosen for me and I just can't shake it... and I am excited about that because for a long time I have wanted and prayed and longed for a passion.

Not in anyway to diminish the fact that I have a passion as a wife and mother that I have grown to love more and more.
I love my family and my role as a wife and mother to my children and I love that my family is my main purpose in life. For a very long time I felt that the Lord was keeping me in the home to bind me to himself and help me to see myself for who he made me to be(and to learn to love it).

I have however for a while now longed for a purpose that lay in helping women in some tangible way as well. I have been praying that God would give me a passion or calling outside the home as well. Now I feel he has and I know that waiting for the right timing may be hard...but it will be good too.
I hope He will empower me to use this passion well for his glory.

The LORD will keep your going in and your coming out from this time forth and forevermore
~Psalm 121:8

Now Is The Time

Now is the time to get things done…wade in the water, sit in the sun, squish my toes in the mud by the door, explore the world of a girl just four.

Now is the time to study books, flowers, snails, how a cloud looks; to ponder “up,” where God sleeps nights, why mosquitoes take such big bites.

Later there’ll be time to sew and clean, paint the hall that soft new green, to make new drapes, refinish the floor – Later on…when she’s not just four.”
- Irene Foster

 I read this on a blog I really enjoy. I read then re-read it and thought Ah-ha! This is my struggle right now... this is my predicament. I don't seem to be able to just do the small fun things anymore... if someone asked me "don't you remember what it was like to be a child?" I would say "uh not really". I want so badly for this  season of homeschooling Owen to be joyful and adventuresome. I want to foster joy and a love of learning.  I want to read books and do crafts and bake things for the neighbors. I want to go on long walks and puddle jump. I need to make this time special for him... and for me. Instead I get so caught up in the things that "have to" be done and loose sight of the things that "should be" done.  He is only 4 and he deserves better than I have been giving. He is still a child full of life and curiosity and I have not been able to see it-I have been too focused on the task of educating and I missed the whole point-I see it now and I want to "get things done".

This is my prayer, and if your so inclined I ask that you would pray it for me as well, I hope I can remember it daily.

Father in heaven, Thank you for my lovely family and the beautiful healthy children you have given to me. Please help me to seek your purpose for my every day. Help me to know the things that should be done in this season and to do them joyfully for your glory. Give me wisdom to discern which days should be filled with practical things and which should be used for fun. Help me to understand your plan for this season of our lives and to seek you and and to carry out your will and not my own for this special time in our home. I ask that you would give me a renewed child like joy and that it would be contagious in this house and in our lives. I pray that you would use me however you want and that I would be submissive to your plans for me and for my children.  I pray for these things in the name of your sweet son Jesus.  Amen.
now is the time to get things done

Disappointed

Yesterday was supposed to be my baby shower. I was really excited. I haven't had much social interaction lately(because of the order to rest as much as I can)so I was really excited to celebrate with friends and family. I had to go to the hospital instead.
I had a head ache for a few days and some swelling that had my midwife worried enough to tell me to get my blood pressure checked. The blood pressure was really high-158/90-so she said I had to go to the hospital to get checked for pre-eclampsia. So I went to the hospital instead of my baby shower. I was more than disappointed.
Everything turned out to be OK. I do not have pre-eclampsia(thank the Lord)but the spike in blood pressure and the head aches are still slightly concerning...also I have a higher than normal-for pregnancy-white blood cell count now too. The advice is more rest and more vitamins and more blood pressure checks. Believe me I am great full!I know that I came too close to having my pregnancy ended for me yesterday and I am really glad I don't have any major complications. I feel guilty even complaining a little because God did a great thing in keeping me from having any major problems or a major surgery yesterday. Again I am reminded of how good He is.
At the same time I just feel weighed down by the small complications I do have.I am emotionally tapped out and physically worn down. I feel like I am at my limit for "resting" and "taking it easy" I'm not sure how to do less than I have been doing. I miss being me and being able to have fun with my little in any way we want. I feel really done being pregnant and really ready to meet this new baby.
Please pray this baby will come as soon as possible. I am 38 weeks and considered full term so it would be great if he could come now.
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.

36 weeks!!!

me at 36 weeks

I am officially more pregnant than I have ever been before in my life! Owen came at the very end of my 35th week and this baby is still camped out in the belly. It is really weird to be emotionally ready for the baby to be here and to know I will likely have another 4 weeks left before I meet him.
I am also being advised to rest as much as possible. The midwives and my Dr. want me to do "as little as possible" until baby gets here. My thyroid is not doing what it is supposed to-which is nothing new-but this time it is affecting my adrenal glands which have apparently decided to go on strike as well...and the best way to remedy this is apparently lots and lots of rest. It is the hardest thing in the world to have strong nesting instincts and to be told to just do nothing and(even worse) to ask other people to do it for you...ahrg... I hate letting people help me with things I feel capable of and even more I despise asking for help-but I have been-and its been a good lesson in humility for me. So please be praying that things will get back on track quickly after baby is born and that he will remain healthy despite his mamas broken down body.

Sick again

I had all these grand plans to write about all the fun activites from our advent project but the last week has been brutal for me. I have yet another flu/cold and this one was a duzy. I think the worst is behind me now but I feel unmotivated and like any momentum I may have had prior to illness is now lost. Being 8 months pregnant and sick is probably the worst thing ever(I may be feeling a little dramatic). So now the task of breaking my child of his new found TV habit lies ahead of me(we watched alot of opb during this last week)hopefully he will embrace the oppertunity to do fun things outside and in the kitchen instead of on the couch. Please pray that I will stay healthy for the last months of this pregnancy...and that I will find a new reserve of energy to make this holiday season warm and delightful.
Speaking of delightful...
Owen posed for this picture at the Christmas tree farm completely un-prompted by anyone.

Yucks

I have the full blown prego yucks! I never had morning sickness with my pregnancy with Owen so this is all new and all terrible. I Have been an inch away from loosing it for the last few weeks and now I have. I ask that you pray for me as this seemingly never ending sickness encroaches on my sanity. As I try to care for Owen and make his life joyful in the midst of my misery.
On a side note the midwifes have informed me that feeling this bad is a great sign...that the pregnancy and baby are healthy and that my hormones are doing just what they should be doing... Which is hard to care about when your face is in the toilet(of course I do care it is all I want-and I would suffer a hundred times more for this sprout-but its hard to see the light at the end) So there is my life right now...not sure when I will share again... Probably when my attitude and my tummy are better.
Thanks for your prayers

Answered Prayers

I have had an experience with prayer that I am pretty sure I HAVE to tell you about. I sorta don't want to tell it. I sorta want to keep it for me as my own private gift. But share it I must

I recently asked for Prayer and I want to say thank you to all of you who prayed. For those of you who prayed from far away- with out me even knowing-and for those of you who sat with me and prayed for me, Thank you very much.This is the story of how all that prayer changed my life!

I was at a woman's retreat in January with the wonderful ladies of West Valley Christian Fellowship (our church) Mrs. R and I-along with one other gal-walked along the beach on a cool January evening. We chatted about how we met our husbands and how we raise our children. Mrs. R made a comment about telling God everything you feel just letting Him in and giving him everything (even your anger). she said "it's better to be angry with Him than fake" or something very similar to that.

I had never thought of this before. Don't ask me why but I have never just yelled at God. Maybe I thought it wasn't appropriate or maybe it just didn't occur to me. I have pleaded and cried and begged, I have tried to pray from my own strength. I never just gave Him the real deal. I am not even sure I knew what the real deal was. I don't think I knew how angry I really was. So I never laid it at His feet. I had laid it at M.G's feet and many other peoples as well but never at the place it truly belongs....right at the feet of my Savior.

And so I prayed it out the next morning on the beach. I was brutally honest (not that He doesn't already know) but I told him everything I felt and all the things that were holding me back. I told Him that I want to crawl up into His perfect Daddy lap and I want to feel His perfect Daddy love, but I am so mad! I am mad that I have to deal with my mind constantly swinging between high and low. I am mad because I cannot be the kind of wife and mother I feel like HE wants me to be. I am mad that He chose me to have this struggle, that I don't understand why I am going through this. I said "I don't want to be crazy any more Daddy and only YOU can take this away". I asked for God to heal me from Bipolar I asked that if that was not His plan that He would show me what was. I cried so hard thinking about my life and how different I wanted it to be. I didn't want to be crippled with depression and anxiety. I didn't want to live in fear of another uncontrollable swing in my mood. I wanted to live with His perfect peace.

Then I went inside and we all prayed together.My request for prayer was that I would be at peace and have wisdom and understanding in my current situation... Mrs.R prayed that I would be healed from my Bipolar too! (as if she knew exactly what I had already prayed). The Lord knew what I wanted (needed) and He layed it on her heart as well. She prayed I would have a ceiling and a floor and walls around all my emotions and that I wouldn't be able to go outside that range. As she prayed I could physically feel fear and burdens being taken from me.

I felt completely new when her prayer was finished but wasn't sure what to make of it. So....I cried. And I just kept praying the same words Mrs.R had, that MY prayer would be answered.

And it was.

I have not had any depression or hypo-mania since (I would have had at least 2 swings with the way the disorder usually manifested its-self). Even my psychiatrist said that I was no longer Bipolar. I have had good days and bad ones too but I feel normal...which is such a relief and a gift.

So I am in neutral now. It sounds weird to say it but with out the identity of "crazy" that I carried for so long I feel kinda lost...? I really haven't been given anything else yet. I mean I have other identities in life but they are all external like mother and wife. I am waiting for a new internal identity to replace "crazy" So I am just learning how to find joy-the things that really brighten my day and make me see God- and praying for new direction for my heart.

I-for the first time in a long time-feel hope. To be honest I don't know if I have ever really felt it before. I now know that my future is BRIGHT when for the longest time all I could see was darkness.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Psalm 139:11-12