Body Image... Yikes

I feel like in the last few months the topic of body image has been repeatedly broached in my realm. I live in this land of moms and we none of look the way we once did. Some simply look different no better no worse...others of us look really different (and maybe by societal standards worse) but all of us feel something about how we look. No one is just drifting in a bubble and never-ever thinks about how she is presenting herself to her husband or friends.

That being said I would like to confess what I think about my self. Not because I want to but because the constant bringing up or the topic and pressure in my chest-every time I try to play it cool and pretend I am that girl who doesn't care-lead me to believe that I am being prompted to air my dirty laundry...uhg. this may be hard...

I feel horrible about my body. There I said it. I think about it more than I should and I hate that I care so much... but I do. I am a relativity healthy person...I exercise regularly, eat a diet free of gluten, dairy, and any form of refined sugar. I am good about veggies most of the time and I take my thyroid meds diligently. And yet I am still 50 lbs heavier than I feel is seemly. I have not been able to loose any significant amount of weight since I gave birth to Owen and I should probably give up on thinking I can. not because I am a defeatist but because it might truly not be in the cards for me.

I am constantly feeling like people are judging me and thinking I have "let my self go" I don't know how or why I cant shred the lbs, but I am  actually healthier than I have ever been, I still just look like I just sit and eat  the bon bons all day long. I avoid seeing people from my past because I am horribly embarrassed that I look like this now.

I want desperately to see my body as a useful tool that God has given me to use and not just to be looked at...but guess what it does get looked at...all the time by everyone I know and I feel like they all think I am not trying hard enough. "hey guys I am trying as hard as I can!!!" just in case you wondered

I want to be able to look at each of the body parts that once looked good to me and see them for there intended functions and be able to praise them for the great job they are doing... I want to say "arms you may be chubby but you are so good at holding your children! arms your are professional huggers and I am pleased with you" I want to say to my tummy "you used to be so flat and smooth,now you are round and bear the marks of carrying two babies inside you,well done you, I am proud that you have sacrificed your beauty for anothers life twice and I will bear these scars and this extra flab proudly"  I want to tell my breasts that "even though you were once perky and easy to run with I love you even more now that your saggy and stretched out because you have given sustenance and comfort to my sons...you have allowed them to have the very best nutrition God has to offer a baby and I am pleased with you too". I want to tell my legs "that you are amazing even though your wide and round, you don't have to be sexy to run in your neighborhood or dance in your kitchen with your family for dance party nights...you do theses things superbly (well not the dancing we suck at that but our white girl rhythm is to blame its not your fault)and I am glad you are my legs". and to my whole body"hey gal your husband still thinks your hot and desires you above all others! Who is super excited about that? oh that's right... I AM!!" who wouldn't be.

When will I be able to remember these things on a regular basis? WHEN?! Why do I work my self up worrying about what I perceive others thoughts to be? Why can I not be satisfied with this amazing gift of a useful body that God gave me?

Pray for me that I can be,NO,that I will be. I know that I am "not skinny" for a reason that it is part of His plan for my life...I know His plans are better than mine...but it still hurts that I cant have what I want and that weight has to be an issue. I want to let go of this hurt...this longing for something I do not have and may never get because in its place I am sure I will find a treasure far greater than what I esteem physical beauty to be.
well there it is out there for all who know and love me well enough to read this blog to see... and I feel like I have completed an assignment and I guess that is a good enough reason to push "publish"

This is me 

It's pomegranate season!

It's messy to get the good stuff out but worth it.
I love to just jam them in my mouth as a snack... but they are great in salads and on oat meal too! I'm a little obsessed with them.
Any other ideas of how to eat this amazing fruit?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bronchitis

Went to the Dr. today because the sickness wasn't letting up...I have bronchitis. And she could not tell that I was pregnant...really!!!???

Colds

I have another cold and so does Owen... this is the second one this month and I am feeling really discouraged by it. When your pregnant you cant take cold meds and that is all I want to do right now. I want to toss back some day quill and feel better. Alas this is not my fate and I will have be snarfely and sneazy until its over.

Side note... I am really enjoying the fall weather and all the beauty that is present. The fall leaves and wonderful pumpkins are really making my heart swell with joy!

Gluten update

I realize now that I never really missed eating gluten its self, I mostly miss the convenience and cheapness of gluten products. Most gluten free products are either expensive, hard to find or take time and trial to make and perfect.
I never expected to be able to tolerate gluten during this time of testing but I had however forgotten how miserable my life had been when I ate this way all the time.

So I am happy to be back on the wagon. I love the variety of grains that I get to experiment with and the different flavors and textures they provide. In many cases I now prefer gluten free options to glutenous ones which came as a huge surprise to me.

This experience was good for me in lots of ways. The biggest one is that I really don't feel deprived anymore or left out, I realize that I may have to eat a little different but I like the foods I get to eat and enjoy the challenge of re-creating the ones I can't.
I will find out next week if I have Celiac's and will let you all know either way.

Gluten Free

For the last 9 months I have been gluten free. At first I did it at the suggestion of a trusted nutritionist as a way to improve digestion and overall well being- those of us who suffer from thyroid autoimmune disease have a harder time with digesting gluten- so I cut out all wheat, barley, spelt, rye and regular oats (the kind that don’t say “gluten free” on the packaging) I felt better. Then after a month I was advised to enter it back into my diet to see if it was an issue. I ate delicious gluten for a week on vacation and it wrecked havoc on my system. So I returned to eating, cooking, and baking gluten free (and got rather used to it).

This week my thyroid Dr. told me he wants me to take a celiac test to see if my gluten “intolerance” is in fact a full-blown allergy (my reactions to very small amounts seem to be getting more pronounced).

In order to get an accurate testing I will have to eat gluten for at least three days prior to the blood test. I am excited for pizza, pastries and real cake but I am dreading the aftermath. I will be bloated (usually I look like I did at 7 months pregnant) and I will have some gnarly stomach issues. But it will be worth it to rule out celiac. Having celiac disease requires a whole other level of commitment. Plus the decontamination process (of house and person) is said to be really intense.

So wish me luck this should be an interesting couple of days.

Prayer request

Last summer I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder. and PTSD. I started a course of mood stabilizers right away and began feeling better, it was amazing, until about 6 months later when we realized I am allergic to the medication. So now I am taking nothing. No medication at all except thyroid hormone replacement therapy. I have to admit that I am scared. all of the other medication choices for this disorder have heavy side effects and my body is kind a wreck right now as it is (with the thyroid stuff and the recent allergic reaction) I really don't want to try something new right now. I am in therapy for the PTSD and if all goes well it may lessen the occurrence of swings.

For me Bipolar2 and PTSD present themselves in a way that make me very irritable when I am hypo-manic and devastatingly depressed when I am not. I also am prone to severe panic attacks seemingly brought on by nothing, but in reality there is a (invisible to me) trigger from the past that sets me spinning. I am rarely in a middle ground, but I am right now. I can feel the edges all around the middle though and feel no security here.

I have known for a while that this is the kind of suffering the bible talks about and that it is working things out for good. I am still crippled by it (as much I would like to always see the higher ground) and sometimes fall into cursing,blaming and self pity.

Please be praying for me that I will stay in my middle ground and not slip back into catatonic depression. Please pray that I will look to God for security and healing, Pray (if you have the heart to) that my therapy would lead to recovery. And especially pray a hedge of protection around my family as I know it is a burden my husband and small son carry on their shoulders as well. (I am not easy to be around a lot of the time though I try my hardest). I feel that only petitions to God are keeping me on solid ground.
Thank You

Not so many blog posts

Sorry for the lack of posting in the past month or so. I have been going through the ringer personally and it seems like even though we haven't been anywhere or done anything ( save one overnight camping trip in which we forgot the camera) I have been overwhelmingly busy.

Overwhelmed pretty much sums it all up really. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 illness ( which I will wright about in detail at a later more stable time), I have always had migraine headaches but this summer they have been more frequent and intense than ever, my thyroid disease ( hashimoto's auto immune) is out of control despite my constant efforts to rein it in with nutrition and natural supplementation, and to top it all off for the last week and a half I have had the heat rash to end all heat rashes all over my body ( though mostly concentrated on my arms). I was told it's probably a "photosynthesis thing" by my care provider meaning that "long times spent out in the sun may effect me this way" aka your summer is over lady unless you like steroid creams shots of cortizon in the bum and constant antihistamine use.

SIGH...... So that has pretty much been our summer. Michael has been amazing he has been pulling his weight around the house and mine. Doing even the most remedial household tasks has seemed like climbing a mountain some days. Owen must scene that I am in a fragile state because he has been more gentle and compliant than I would expect a 2.5 year old trapped in a house in the summer would be. I must take time to thank my in laws especially, as they have really gone above and beyond the call of duty by taking Owen over night several times to give me much appreciated breaks. Owen loves spending time with his grandparents, aunt and uncles and it is great to be able to take him there and know he will get tons of love and adoration from all.

I am really trying to see the good in these trials. I know there is some because there always is. But right now I feel defeated, frustrated, lost inside myself and alone in a healing process few can understand. Your prayers for our family are more than appreciated. I will be posting more often as I find the time and motivation to do so. And in due time will write more about my experience with bi-polar2 illness.
Thank You for your thoughts and prayers
Dana

So when I started this blog I told myself I would do at least one post per week. I have not. So I guess I will explain myself. Move on from self inflicted guilt and start getting back on the horse.

the explanation in two parts
Part 1) Is that we have a somewhat finicky router in our home and even if we do have access to said Internets we cannot always get on them. Although I realize I can write the post out and save it on word for later I just haven't done that.

Part 2) I have had about seven waves of plague these winter and spring seasons which leave me feeling depressed, unmotivated, weepy, and basically wanting to just burrow into my spot on the sofa that now has an exact imprint of me on it.

Feeling sick is the worst when you stay at home with your child not only are you really suffering from whatever the ailment but I personally feel wrought with guilt for keeping Owen in and allowing the T.V to parent him while I lay in the coldest and most quiet place i know the bathroom floor. so its more than just feeling horrible its feeling that and feeling sorry for you darling little child who is probably finding new places to try out crayon. ( side note crayolas web site is great they list all the products and how to clean them off of any kind of surface. wd40 is my best friend).

Now I have given the explanation and an account of my life while sick. My D.r just recently prescribed some ambien for my insomnia issues and I can feel the drug starting to wind its self into my brain and take hold.
I will redeem myself in weeks to come, I promise or at least I will try very hard
Dana