For Marilynn

It's my grams birthday today. She died 7 months ago. I love her and miss her still. So I thought I would write her a letter. I know it's a silly thing to do but I feel like it will help me deal with the missing in some way...and there is no silly way to grieve.

Dear grams,
I miss you so very much today. The other day I thought of the fact that there would be no party for you this year,no presents,no cake. It hurts. I'm glad your not here suffering in a body rife with cancer... but I am still grieving the loss if you in my life.
Owen is growing so much and he is very handsome. He asks about you from time to time and I am delighted that he knew you and loved you and even more that he remembers you.
Henry is a beautiful baby! You would love to kiss the nape of his neck... His sweet falsetto voice would just slay you! I'm so happy you got to hold him and smell him and sing to him before you left us. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
Thank you for being a wonderful grandmother. Thank you for loving me and spoiling,for teaching me generosity. Thank you for living your life with a gracious and happy heart it has made a serious mark on my life. Thank you for all the marks you left on my life-for there are too many to list here.
I wish I could have told you one last time how I loved you! I know you knew it though. I still find myself thinking about you as if your here sometimes and then I snap out if it and find myself lonely for you yet glad I could remember you so vividly that it feels your still here.
I know that your life lives on in those you have touched. I can feel your love shining through my mom all the time. I can hear a hint of your laughter in my sisters every so often and I know we carry you with us in our hearts.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)E.E Cummings
Happy Birthday.

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The Way It Really Is: Plumbing

Our bath tub wouldn't drain for two months. Well it would drain but it would take like 24 hours then be really dirty and need cleaning... We have been showering a lot-all of us even the baby-and that made the upstairs shower get clogged up too!
We tried snaking and enzymes and plunging and drano. But nothing worked sooooo we called the plumber.
He found this.



It's a wash cloth... Someone who bathes at my house jammed it down the tub pipe... No one is fessing up...
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The Way It Really Is: Teething

I have recently realized that I don't often share much of the nitty gritty. I want this to be a place to share miles stones and hopes and fears but I also want to be real,to reflect the daily(or weekly) struggles and joys.
So here goes...

Henry is teething hard. I don't remember Owen ever having a hard time with birthing his teeth(he may have...but it was forever ago)so this is taking me off guard. I am not sure what to do with my cranky, drooling, crying, biting everything he sees little mess of a baby boy! We have given him the the natural tooth remedies and the cold biting toys...we have given him frozen veggies to eat we have even resorted to tylenol...nothing seems to help much. He was awake and in pain for two and a half hours last night. He even bit my breast in a moment of sheer frustration... which led me to take it out of his mouth and say a firm no. This led to a massive melt down on his part and a wave of guilt on mine...(I know telling him not to bite is the right thing) I just felt so bad for him.
Henry is already a needy sort but with the advent of working the top teeth down he spends almost all of his waking ours being held or actively entertained. Everyone does there part and even in his most pathetic moments he is so precious that none of us-not even Owen-can stay frustrated with his increased demands.
I'm just hoping for some good sleep for us all tonight.

A failed fall leaf photo due to said teething babe... Maybe next time


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Now Is The Time

Now is the time to get things done…wade in the water, sit in the sun, squish my toes in the mud by the door, explore the world of a girl just four.

Now is the time to study books, flowers, snails, how a cloud looks; to ponder “up,” where God sleeps nights, why mosquitoes take such big bites.

Later there’ll be time to sew and clean, paint the hall that soft new green, to make new drapes, refinish the floor – Later on…when she’s not just four.”
- Irene Foster

 I read this on a blog I really enjoy. I read then re-read it and thought Ah-ha! This is my struggle right now... this is my predicament. I don't seem to be able to just do the small fun things anymore... if someone asked me "don't you remember what it was like to be a child?" I would say "uh not really". I want so badly for this  season of homeschooling Owen to be joyful and adventuresome. I want to foster joy and a love of learning.  I want to read books and do crafts and bake things for the neighbors. I want to go on long walks and puddle jump. I need to make this time special for him... and for me. Instead I get so caught up in the things that "have to" be done and loose sight of the things that "should be" done.  He is only 4 and he deserves better than I have been giving. He is still a child full of life and curiosity and I have not been able to see it-I have been too focused on the task of educating and I missed the whole point-I see it now and I want to "get things done".

This is my prayer, and if your so inclined I ask that you would pray it for me as well, I hope I can remember it daily.

Father in heaven, Thank you for my lovely family and the beautiful healthy children you have given to me. Please help me to seek your purpose for my every day. Help me to know the things that should be done in this season and to do them joyfully for your glory. Give me wisdom to discern which days should be filled with practical things and which should be used for fun. Help me to understand your plan for this season of our lives and to seek you and and to carry out your will and not my own for this special time in our home. I ask that you would give me a renewed child like joy and that it would be contagious in this house and in our lives. I pray that you would use me however you want and that I would be submissive to your plans for me and for my children.  I pray for these things in the name of your sweet son Jesus.  Amen.
now is the time to get things done

Oh Henry!

Henry,
You are a totally different baby! I feel sometimes that you know more than your letting on. You have a way of "answering" me with squeals and facial expressions that is uncanny.

At 7.5 months you can sit up and play, you can roll both ways, and you have scooted your body-one time-in order to reach something. You have two bottom teeth coming up and like to bite things. You are practicing you pincer grasp and even try it out on me while nursing... Not my favorite littel man not my fave.

What you really love is being held. You would love to be held all the time if we would allow it(honestly I probably hold you 75% of the day). You will play about 10 min max on your own then it's hold time... You are adamant about this! You get all lathered up with real tears and snot and drool if I try to deny you-And buddy at least once a day I do because your brother needs full attention-and boy do you let me hear it. It's funny really because other than being hungry, tired, or mess diapered this is the only reason you fuss.



Holding time momma... Please!!!

You also love... No wait... LOVE your brother!! He is literally your favorite person right now. Last night Owen and Papa were wrestling and you were squealing with delight and waving and patting your hands at every one of Owens victories... So amazing to see your bond growing so strong all ready.



Henry you are sweet, snuggly, funny and honest about what you want. You are friendly and smile a ton! We love you more than we can express and are so happy you are one of us!
Momma.



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a stream of conscience

I haven't felt the desire to write in a long time. I keep thinking I should really update my blog... but the task seems cumbersome and I cant make myself want to. I want to get back to the place where writing is cathartic and something I feel passion for... I guess I will just start by writing more often and see if those old feelings return.
My life lately has seemed slow moving and hurried all at once. Slow because our lives have been rather metered, rushed because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
 I started homeschooling Owen and although  it is not as hard as I thought, it still seems to be a mental challenge to rise to the occasion everyday. I know some of you are probably more than a little surprised that I am homeschooling-and honestly so am I-but it is the right thing for our family in this season of life. Owen loves learning and is disappointed the days we don't do school. I am less passionate about it... still I know it is the best thing for us... so I am muddling through it day by day.
Its funny how my days seems to drag on then fly by. We have a great routine right now... we wake and have a family snuggle up on our bed. Then we eat brecky and tidy up a bit. Then Henry naps while Owen and I do school. We then do whatever the day calls for and the have lunch then rest and then a little more of this or that then dinner, bath, stories, and bed. Some times I think that the day will last forever that the bed time and kissing the boys goodnight is a far away dream. Other days I cant hold on to the sweetness of the the passing minutes to save my life.
Its nice... and yet my heart longs for adventure on a grander scale. I don't know what business my heart has longing for such a thing when we are doing great with  the simple things in life...but there you have it. I find myself dreaming of travel and hiking and open sea sailing-I have never even been on the open seas-I want to sail! Maybe not literally... but I have the yearning that I always get before a big change.
I want to be out there -you know in the world-making a difference... but doing what? For whom? With who's energy? All questions yet unanswered.
Yes I feel a change brewing-something is happening in our lives-and I don't know when but I sure know its a-coming. This season of simplicity is good, its a gift, a rest before the big adventure ahead. I will enjoy the slow pace while it lasts instead of impatiently fidgeting for the end of the day. I will drink in the smell of little heads and blowing bubbles. I will let the sound of my children's perfect laughter fill my soul with joy and I will wait and see what our-certainly interesting-future will hold.

Perfect Storm

Today I'm grateful I didn't have to plunge the toilet

I woke up with the all familiar feeling of a migraine setting in. I had a heaviness in my head and felt dizzy and disoriented I knew I needed thyroid meds,tylenol,coffee, and some down time...the coffee



Then I laid the baby down for some tummy time so I could go to the bathroom...

Owen dropped his walking stick on the baby and then carried him-screaming-down the hall all the way to the bathroom where I was having the mother of all p*o then Owen decided he needed to brush his teeth and somehow managed to get water all over the floor...still while I p**ped and was holding Henry on my lap... So not having to plunge was huge.

Two more things I'm grateful for:






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