Answered Prayers

I have had an experience with prayer that I am pretty sure I HAVE to tell you about. I sorta don't want to tell it. I sorta want to keep it for me as my own private gift. But share it I must

I recently asked for Prayer and I want to say thank you to all of you who prayed. For those of you who prayed from far away- with out me even knowing-and for those of you who sat with me and prayed for me, Thank you very much.This is the story of how all that prayer changed my life!

I was at a woman's retreat in January with the wonderful ladies of West Valley Christian Fellowship (our church) Mrs. R and I-along with one other gal-walked along the beach on a cool January evening. We chatted about how we met our husbands and how we raise our children. Mrs. R made a comment about telling God everything you feel just letting Him in and giving him everything (even your anger). she said "it's better to be angry with Him than fake" or something very similar to that.

I had never thought of this before. Don't ask me why but I have never just yelled at God. Maybe I thought it wasn't appropriate or maybe it just didn't occur to me. I have pleaded and cried and begged, I have tried to pray from my own strength. I never just gave Him the real deal. I am not even sure I knew what the real deal was. I don't think I knew how angry I really was. So I never laid it at His feet. I had laid it at M.G's feet and many other peoples as well but never at the place it truly belongs....right at the feet of my Savior.

And so I prayed it out the next morning on the beach. I was brutally honest (not that He doesn't already know) but I told him everything I felt and all the things that were holding me back. I told Him that I want to crawl up into His perfect Daddy lap and I want to feel His perfect Daddy love, but I am so mad! I am mad that I have to deal with my mind constantly swinging between high and low. I am mad because I cannot be the kind of wife and mother I feel like HE wants me to be. I am mad that He chose me to have this struggle, that I don't understand why I am going through this. I said "I don't want to be crazy any more Daddy and only YOU can take this away". I asked for God to heal me from Bipolar I asked that if that was not His plan that He would show me what was. I cried so hard thinking about my life and how different I wanted it to be. I didn't want to be crippled with depression and anxiety. I didn't want to live in fear of another uncontrollable swing in my mood. I wanted to live with His perfect peace.

Then I went inside and we all prayed together.My request for prayer was that I would be at peace and have wisdom and understanding in my current situation... Mrs.R prayed that I would be healed from my Bipolar too! (as if she knew exactly what I had already prayed). The Lord knew what I wanted (needed) and He layed it on her heart as well. She prayed I would have a ceiling and a floor and walls around all my emotions and that I wouldn't be able to go outside that range. As she prayed I could physically feel fear and burdens being taken from me.

I felt completely new when her prayer was finished but wasn't sure what to make of it. So....I cried. And I just kept praying the same words Mrs.R had, that MY prayer would be answered.

And it was.

I have not had any depression or hypo-mania since (I would have had at least 2 swings with the way the disorder usually manifested its-self). Even my psychiatrist said that I was no longer Bipolar. I have had good days and bad ones too but I feel normal...which is such a relief and a gift.

So I am in neutral now. It sounds weird to say it but with out the identity of "crazy" that I carried for so long I feel kinda lost...? I really haven't been given anything else yet. I mean I have other identities in life but they are all external like mother and wife. I am waiting for a new internal identity to replace "crazy" So I am just learning how to find joy-the things that really brighten my day and make me see God- and praying for new direction for my heart.

I-for the first time in a long time-feel hope. To be honest I don't know if I have ever really felt it before. I now know that my future is BRIGHT when for the longest time all I could see was darkness.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Psalm 139:11-12