A passion realized.

Wow...two posts in one day... not something you see here too often.

I just wanted to record an amazing experience that I had recently and how it brought me to a new realization. My good friend payed me the honor of letting me be her doula at the birth of her first born child. It was a beautiful experience. I felt like I was fulfilling a purpose I didn't  know I had. I think about that very speedy delivery everyday and thank God that He allowed me to be there and to realize my obsession with birth is really more of a passion. And that He gave it to me. This is a big deal for me.

Now I am not a doula...not a certified one but I LOVE birth. I hated birthing but I love birth. I love babies and women and the fact that our bodies are designed to bring life into the world. I love the idea (and now the practice) of helping women enjoy that experience no matter what it looks like for them. Birth should be celebrated and remembered fondly because it is the day you meet one of the most important people in your life. So weather you have an all natural birth or a c-section I think it should be remembered with satisfaction and love.

That being said...I would love to be a doula someday...a real one... who is certified. But not today. I almost signed up for a class recently... I want to be able to support women in birthing the way they choose to... and I want to do it real bad.
I also just have this   feeling   that now isn't the right timing for me. Our finances are tight and the class is spendy... Also there is just something (and I cant quite put my finger on it) that seems like this is just the wrong time...? I know that God gave me this passion so I am not doubting that I will do this...just wondering when.
It's sad when a dream is put on hold especially if you have been waiting a long time to ever even have one. It is also good to know that your dream will be realized...in God's timing There is comfort in that even if it lives  among the longing.
At another time-His time-I will jump head first into this dream. I Loved being able to help someone-in any small way I could-do birth the way they wanted. I don't know why I love birth so much...I feel like I didn't choose it I feel like it was chosen for me and I just can't shake it... and I am excited about that because for a long time I have wanted and prayed and longed for a passion.

Not in anyway to diminish the fact that I have a passion as a wife and mother that I have grown to love more and more.
I love my family and my role as a wife and mother to my children and I love that my family is my main purpose in life. For a very long time I felt that the Lord was keeping me in the home to bind me to himself and help me to see myself for who he made me to be(and to learn to love it).

I have however for a while now longed for a purpose that lay in helping women in some tangible way as well. I have been praying that God would give me a passion or calling outside the home as well. Now I feel he has and I know that waiting for the right timing may be hard...but it will be good too.
I hope He will empower me to use this passion well for his glory.

The LORD will keep your going in and your coming out from this time forth and forevermore
~Psalm 121:8

Birthday party

 So I am starting to think that I could win the title or "queen of better late than never" I really wanted to get these photos of Henry's first birthday party/cake up sooner but illness and life have prevented me from even using the computer the last week.

So here they are all pictures of the cake experience... that's the best part of a party and everyone knows it.

Watching the cake arrive.

When Owen turned one I made him his own no sugar banana cake and a separate chocolate cake for everyone else
Not this time...Henry got chocolate with vanilla butter-cream like everyone else...
He didn't complain.

First taste....

"Oh yes this is the good stuff momma!"

This face just makes me laugh...

I took about three quarters of his piece off his tray once I realized he may actually eat it all...

My favorite Henry face

Henry was appropriately adorable throughout his entire party...
No one left with out feeling the weight of his charm.

One

Henry,
You turned one year old yesterday. I am so overwhelmed by how fast this first year has by... Words just escape me when I try to explain how much I love you. You have been here one short year but it feels like you have always been with us... Your family adores you Henry and we just cannot get enough of your sweetness. You are a gift, a treasure, and we will never stop loving you.
love  Momma.
a few of my favorite pictures of Henry from this year

First day

first week 

First photo shoot

First bath

First month

Three Months

Eleven Months

One Year!

We love you deeply sweet son. Never forget.

Running again

So I took up Running(if you can call the pace at which I jog running)again. It is hard...not as hard as I remembered but difficult all the same. I am actually training for a real race this time...not normally my thing but I was promised breakfast with MG and some awesome friends...plus it seemed like a good motivator. I will be running the shortest length of the race the 5k...and will probably still be coming into the finish at the same time as everyone else. so that should work out great...I run S.L.O.W. and I'm cool with it.

Today I was out there doing my thing with the kids in the double stroller and I realized how much I love and hate running at the same time... It is so hard to make my tired body move and stretch in ways it feels to old and too stiff to move. Yet it feels good...really good... to get out there and feel the fresh crisp air hitting my face and filling my lungs.

I love the feeling of wanting to stop but pushing myself forward. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I finish and I ran more than I thought I could. I love knowing that running is no longer the hardest thing(physically) that my body has done. I love to be able to say "this isn't as hard as birthing was" when it gets tough(it does at some point every run)and then laughing at myself for thinking it every time.

I love that the pleasure and pain signals are somehow bond together in this process and that even when it hurts it still somehow oddly feels great. I love that even tho I am not fast and my stride is not perfect people still always smile at me and my large stroller as we run by. I love smiling and waving back...running is a friendly sport. I mostly love the release of-whatever it is-that gives me energy and steels me for my day. I hate feeling sore but love what the soreness means. I hate competition but love pushing myself. I love that running is an individual sport and that I don't have the opportunity to let any team down while I'm doing it...its just me out there...me and my dorky music and my sweet boys in the strolly.
MG says that humans were designed to run...that it is natural for us to want to do it.
I believe it. I crave it and I am happy that I have legs that work for running.

I love to run...or jog... or whatever it is you can call what I do at the funny slow pace I do it.
Thanks for welcoming me back streets...I am happy to be here.

January Picture Updates

This month seems like the longest month of the year in a lot of ways... Getting back into a routine after holiday life is always hard. I started jogging again and cut out sugar from my diet this month. I feel like making it a whole month doing these two things is going to feel monumental if this month ever ends...
Here are some fun things we did this month as well...
sorry for the poor picture quality... all of these came off my phone. that's just what I have handy while we are living life.

We played this awesome game.

Owen excavated a Dinosaur!!

We got rid of 20 some odd bags of stuff we didn't
 need or use anymore...and continue to purge as I
write.

Caught Hank making a mess with his mud biscuit  

We got back into our home schooling....
Owen named this turtle Henry.
such a sweet big bro.

.

Henry took the plunge and crawled through the tunnel! 

And...I finally learned to build LEGO's totally fun!

And finally... We are now getting our selves ready for valentines day and Henry's 1st birthday!! 

Oh yeah!! I almost forgot...
 I took up this exciting pass time...cross stitch...
Don't hate...
its cute and you love it!

Parenting and Stuff About It.

It seems like every single decision a parent makes these days is under scrutiny with multiple people debating its merits and scientific validity. Everyone has opinions on child rearing and how it should be done... even those without children.

Yesterday I took Henry to the naturopath for his eczema... and the man seriously wasted the entire appointment lecturing me on sleep training and on all the ways I was doing it wrong...And I thought "doesn't he understand I am doing what I think is best and that I am not an idiot? That I have spent loads of time and energy researching this thing and I am trying my best here?"

I am a mother and I have loads of opinions(I'm sure you never noticed) I rarely blog about my parenting style as to avoid any unwanted attention or even worse... advice(ahem that's for you Mr. naturopath)... But I want to shine a light on some of the things that we moms have to think about and some of the hard choices we make to do what is best for each of our children and why some of us may even seem a little crazy with our endless opinions...

It all starts at birth...no...wait...it all starts before birth when we find ourselves pregnant and have no idea what to do about it.

Do we use an obgyn or a midwife? Hospital, birth center,or home birth? Pain meds or not? What kind of prenatal vitamins are best? What can I eat? How should I really prepare my home and heart for this new life...can I?

Then after birth: Delayed cord clamping or right after birth? Circumcision or not?  Vaccines or not?  Which vaccines? When will they be given? Will you breastfeed or bottle feed? And what on earth do you do about all the crying? Swaddle,swing,shush, baby wear? All of the above?

Cloth diapers,seventh generation or pampers?

Will you co-sleep or use a family bed approach or will your babe use a crib in their own room? When will you sleep train or will you sleep train at all? Will you help your baby sooth them-self during nighttime wakings or leave them to learn that lesson for themselves?

Pacifier or no? Which kind and for how long will you allow it?

When do you start solid food and what kind of feeding system will you use? Will it be baby led weening or purees for your babe? Will you hand blend all organic veg and fruit or buy the jars?

When will you potty train and what kind of system will you use for that?(oh yes there are multiple systems for learning to use the toilet)Will you wait till the child is 3years old and he just figures it out, or do a fast paced 1 week program at 20 months?

What kind of discipline will you employ? What will guide your choices on how to help your child learn appropriate behavior but also teach them to love Jesus and learn to obey out of a heart of love?

What kind of education will they have? Public school, private, christian private, or home-school?...Or un-school for that matter?

Will you celebrate Halloween or not?

Will they be allowed to watch TV? How much and what types of shows? Can they play video and computer games? How often and what kinds are age appropriate?

Makeup or not?

 Guns or no guns?

How much time should they spend in extra curricular activities and how much with friends out side the home?
When will you give the talk about sex... and what will you say/what resources will you use so that they will understand the sacredness of it but not be naive to realities of this world at the same time?
When will they be allowed to drive? To date?(help me Lord),
What kind of college will you encourage? Community,state, private,distance learning form home?
Will the kids be allowed to live at home through out college? For free or will they pay rent?

Theses are all I can think of  right this second and that is honestly just scratching the surface of the ice burg. Moms(and Dads) have a lot of things to think about when it comes to their kids and how they should be brought up... It is hard to remember that not everyone shares my opinions on any number of these things... I know that lots of these are hot topics... and honestly I am still unsure about 99% of this list and how I will approach the realities of growing boys in my home...

But what I do know is I love them...and I want the very best for them.  I work hard to be present in the little moments of their lives as well as the large milestones, I play with them, and read to them, and hold them when they are hurting(or just anytime). I do my best and I pray for them and for wisdom on how to do the very best I can for them. And at the end of the day that is all I can do.

It isn't that none of the above things are important...they are. Some of them are extremely important. It just isn't important that we all agree on what is right and what is not...It may be better to search diligently and find what is right in your home for each of your own children than to worry about what others are doing in theirs.  People may not understand why we choose to do what we do. That is fine. I will follow the Lord and His plan for my family.
Because lets face it... it is a hard task not to try and convert someone to our way of doing things...and I am no stranger of trying to get someone to come to my side of an issue either...or just ranting about how my way is better-in my head-while your talking about yours...

I will try harder to let people have their own ways  from now on because I like to have my own ways and I hate being told I am "wrong" or not doing whats "right" for my boys. I feel I have learned a lesson about myself and how relentless I can be at times pushing my own agenda...and I will try and remember to let you do your own thing too, with nary an inner rant or any judgment, even.

Body Image... Yikes

I feel like in the last few months the topic of body image has been repeatedly broached in my realm. I live in this land of moms and we none of look the way we once did. Some simply look different no better no worse...others of us look really different (and maybe by societal standards worse) but all of us feel something about how we look. No one is just drifting in a bubble and never-ever thinks about how she is presenting herself to her husband or friends.

That being said I would like to confess what I think about my self. Not because I want to but because the constant bringing up or the topic and pressure in my chest-every time I try to play it cool and pretend I am that girl who doesn't care-lead me to believe that I am being prompted to air my dirty laundry...uhg. this may be hard...

I feel horrible about my body. There I said it. I think about it more than I should and I hate that I care so much... but I do. I am a relativity healthy person...I exercise regularly, eat a diet free of gluten, dairy, and any form of refined sugar. I am good about veggies most of the time and I take my thyroid meds diligently. And yet I am still 50 lbs heavier than I feel is seemly. I have not been able to loose any significant amount of weight since I gave birth to Owen and I should probably give up on thinking I can. not because I am a defeatist but because it might truly not be in the cards for me.

I am constantly feeling like people are judging me and thinking I have "let my self go" I don't know how or why I cant shred the lbs, but I am  actually healthier than I have ever been, I still just look like I just sit and eat  the bon bons all day long. I avoid seeing people from my past because I am horribly embarrassed that I look like this now.

I want desperately to see my body as a useful tool that God has given me to use and not just to be looked at...but guess what it does get looked at...all the time by everyone I know and I feel like they all think I am not trying hard enough. "hey guys I am trying as hard as I can!!!" just in case you wondered

I want to be able to look at each of the body parts that once looked good to me and see them for there intended functions and be able to praise them for the great job they are doing... I want to say "arms you may be chubby but you are so good at holding your children! arms your are professional huggers and I am pleased with you" I want to say to my tummy "you used to be so flat and smooth,now you are round and bear the marks of carrying two babies inside you,well done you, I am proud that you have sacrificed your beauty for anothers life twice and I will bear these scars and this extra flab proudly"  I want to tell my breasts that "even though you were once perky and easy to run with I love you even more now that your saggy and stretched out because you have given sustenance and comfort to my sons...you have allowed them to have the very best nutrition God has to offer a baby and I am pleased with you too". I want to tell my legs "that you are amazing even though your wide and round, you don't have to be sexy to run in your neighborhood or dance in your kitchen with your family for dance party nights...you do theses things superbly (well not the dancing we suck at that but our white girl rhythm is to blame its not your fault)and I am glad you are my legs". and to my whole body"hey gal your husband still thinks your hot and desires you above all others! Who is super excited about that? oh that's right... I AM!!" who wouldn't be.

When will I be able to remember these things on a regular basis? WHEN?! Why do I work my self up worrying about what I perceive others thoughts to be? Why can I not be satisfied with this amazing gift of a useful body that God gave me?

Pray for me that I can be,NO,that I will be. I know that I am "not skinny" for a reason that it is part of His plan for my life...I know His plans are better than mine...but it still hurts that I cant have what I want and that weight has to be an issue. I want to let go of this hurt...this longing for something I do not have and may never get because in its place I am sure I will find a treasure far greater than what I esteem physical beauty to be.
well there it is out there for all who know and love me well enough to read this blog to see... and I feel like I have completed an assignment and I guess that is a good enough reason to push "publish"

This is me